What’s Worse: Band breakups or marriage splits?

“What is it like being in a band?” My friends always ask me. It’s a lot of fun, but there are some drawbacks as well. I’m in my late twenties, and I’ve been playing music my whole life. It’s become the essence of who I am as a person, and music has a role in nearly every aspect of my life.

I first started playing the piano when I was six years old. My parents bought me a cruddy keyboard that had 28 different sounds, and I loved it! When I was old enough, I took trumpet lessons at school and joined the concert band. After a few years, my interests grew, and I joined the jazz band where I learned how to improvise and play in different keys. My favorite part of playing in the school’s band was the dedication from the group of disciplined students. Having a conductor made it a lot easier for everyone to stay focused and motivated, and the conductor was a seemingly unbiased third party that would address issues within the ensemble. I learned very quickly that balance is essential to succeeding in music.

I’ve been in several bands over the years and play drums now. I like playing drums in different bands because it gives me a creative outlet that is both physical and demanding. The challenge also includes a mental component, and as a drummer, I feel like I have the responsibility to keep the band high in energy and keep all of us in tempo. Sometimes, when the band is fighting, there isn’t an unbiased observer that can independently verify critiques, and people take things personally even when it’s not like that at all.

The most recent band I’ve been playing with got into a creative argument, and decided to take a break. I’d like to think that being on hiatus can feel a little like being separated in a marriage, but according to the Kessler & Solomiany, LLC attorneys, divorce is a pretty intense period of time. It doesn’t help that most of my bandmates are a little tight on money, and the shows we have lined up weren’t going to pay much, if anything. I still do it because I love playing music.

Sometimes when I listen to music, it’s hard for me to relax and just enjoy the beat. I get inspired when I hear beats, and it makes me want to get up and play along. Playing different genres of music doesn’t seem to help either, as I am continually judging different rhythms to analyze the new sounds coming together to make a tune. Don’t get me wrong, I love having this problem. But sometimes, I wish I could enjoy music the way other people enjoy it.

The worst is when you open for a band that you are better than. Music is completely subjective, and it’s tough to support another group that is getting more attention with less talent. My band and I are like a family, and even if we aren’t playing together, we still hang out all the time and catch up. I love those guys, and I’ll be playing music forever.

Children and Abusive Marriages

Being in an abusive relationship is already hard enough, but when there are children involved the effects of such relationship can be complicated. Being a parent, you have the both the moral and legal responsibility of ensuring the safety and health of your child or children. Domestic violence does not only affect one parent, but also the child in the family, even if they are not experience any physical abuse. As a parent, it is your legal and moral obligation to ensure the long-term health of your child against the effect of domestic violence.

It may not be mainstream knowledge, but domestic violence and abuse are considered as a form of child maltreatment in certain areas. In an event of a divorce or child custody battle, claims of failing to protect the child from being exposed to domestic violence or abuse can put into consideration. The website of  Marshall & Taylor PLLC has information on the complications that domestic violence and abuse can cause in a divorce or child custody proceeding. A parent who fails to report child abuse (in any form) can be held liable in accordance to the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act [pdf] or CAPTA. Being a victim of domestic violence or spousal abuse mean you are also in legal danger.

The legal argument in the parent’s responsibility for reporting domestic violence and abuse is various studies providing strong evidence of emotional and psychological damage in children who have grown up in an abusive or violent family. Children often feel emotionally deprived and could develop high risks of future physical abuse. Abusers often use intimidation and fear to control their partners and prevent them from leaving, which is why it is vital for victims to find support in order to leave and protect themselves and their child from future harm. Fortunately today there are many institutions and organizations that help abused spouses and their children and assist in providing temporary shelter, counseling, and financial help.

Divorce – Couples Therapy

Divorce can be a painful and stress-filled court procedure, especially for spouses who have lived together for so many years. But even blissful marriages have their own rare cases of ups and downs and, sometimes, when marital problems seem like impossible to remedy, couples see divorce as the best solution to end the problems for a happier future.

The pressure brought about by divorce still tends to increase due to the many other divorce-related issues that need to settled, like child custody, visitation rights and child support (if there are minor children), spousal support or alimony, and division of assets, properties and debts. Thus, on its website, Marshall & Taylor, P.C., says that divorcing spouses need to be represented by lawyers adept in family law due to the sensitivity of divorce and all related issues. Such lawyers will also be the spouses’ best allies, able to understand their personal situation and ready with the best arguments that will uphold their rights and interests.

In some instances, children become instrumental in uniting their parents, keeping them from divorcing one another; still in other situations, the couple refuses to give up their marriage and finds ways to save it. The good news is, there are ways of overcoming marital problems, making the marriage stronger and even sweeter in the end. One of these ways is couple therapy, which aims to recreate the strong loving bond that the couple once enjoyed.

On her website, Kathleen Snyder, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and Professional Counselor (LPC), states that some the most common causes of divorce are failure to balance work and family, differences in parenting style, lack of communication and obstacles to sexual intimacy. When these or any of these problems begin/s and the spouses react by withdrawing from one another or give an attack-defend response to stressful situations then the marriage may just eventually be on its way to its end.

How long the stress cycles will last and how these will affect the spouses actually depend on the spouses themselves, though. Thus, Kathleen Snyder explains that spouses ought to be able to work out their differences, repair the damage caused by the problems and make room that will allow friendship and intimacy to return.

Going through couple therapy is a major marital decision, so is divorce. The only question is which will really and objectively make the spouses happier in the long run.